On a lighter note..

Ahhh the joys of being heavily intoxicated and posting drunken poetry! Would just like to say that I have minimal recollection of writing the previous post. I don't really like it, but i guess ill leave it there, just for your amusement.

I was watching this music show on the ABC the other night and discovered an artist who I've instantly fallen in love with. Her name is Melody Gardot, a jazz artist, and her voice is the most soothing thing I've ever heard. You know the sort of music that sends you into a trance? I couldn't take my eyes off her as these beautiful notes fell out of her mouth effortlessly. Art at its most eloquent.

And so a new love for Jazz has been born

<3

Within the days where we believed,

That we were content,

There was poisen,

In our fates

When times seemed easy,

ahead,

Was bleak.

We never knew,

The fate we seeked

I guess we should have known,

As nature knows,

That with seasons,

Comes the change,

of disposition.

Change of colours,

Change of time

Change of heart

The flower,

That clings.

to its' existence,

Is the flower that falls,

To the frost.

If I could have fallen,

and let go,

To the seasons,

I could have seen spring.

But winter was so long

And your memorie was so cold.

I clung to winter

for survival,

because,

I felt,

It was all that I had.

Left of you.

Dis. Jointed.

I begin to write. Stop. Delete. Start again.

I cant. Begin. To explain.

But. I Feel. I have to try. At least. For my own sanity's sake.

Few things on my mind. In particular.

Horrible accident. Yesterday. Blacksmiths. Beautiful girl my age. Killed. Wrecked ball of metal. Sirens. Road blocks. News reports. Flowers. Family. Friends. Community.I Didn't know her. Feels strange and not quite right to cry for a stranger. But that's human, right? Isn't that compassion?

Realisation. Always seeking validation. Attention. Approval. Since I was a child. Hate it. But still do it. Why? Cant. Be. Happy. With. Who. I. Am. It hurts. Other people. Have I really become. Heartless? Insecurity. Feels. Like. A sickness. Can I change? This? Has it become. Who I am? Or. Has it always been?

He says. Take responsibility. For actions. How? Thinking. May have to let him go. For both our sakes. Need to. Sort myself out. Cant love. Another. Unless. I can love. Myself.

Decision. Want to give. Back. To the system. That gave. So much to me. Going to become. Youth worker. Want to help. Others. Just. Cant. seem. to. help myself.

Time. I can feel it. Slipping through fingers. My roots. Fading away.

Sorry. Disjointed. Expression. Felt. Appropriate...

Cold and Conditions

There are some who love the cold. They thrive off it. They love the winter time for the sake of hot drinks, warm blankets, hoodies, getting rugged up and just feeling content really; all the usual stuff. Don't get me wrong I like all these things too but with the cold comes the likely chance for me to become prone to a depressed disposition.

It seems like a lifetime since I've been on a low like this. It comes as such a shock to my system because for so long I've been so used to feeling at least normal and content. Its only been about 4 months since my last low but still it feels like forever and it seems to hit harder.

Of course the cold isn't the only reason I've come to be on a low, but it just makes it so much harder to fight the depression off when it comes around. The cold seems to absorb all the energy out of me. The cold combined with a relapse of the depression makes me feel very tired most of the time and makes me loose interest in the things I enjoy. It makes me miserable to step out from a warm bed into the cold air of the day. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do I guess.

I know attitude is the key but there are some periods when controlling your attitude becomes a chore and you seem to get less and less out of doing it. I'm a little worn down. The truth is, I couldn't even begin to tell you why I'm on such a low. Its fustrating when people ask you what's wrong when you cant even begin to explain it to yourself.

It feels like I'm starving.

For answers,
For purpose,
For truth.

Landscapes of Love

We stood,
Waist deep,
Within the Waters of love

We watched,
The colours of the evening,
As the sun,
Seeped into the underworld

And,
All the beauty of the sky,
Bled,
Into our souls

A reflection of the stars
And city lights
Danced across the water
And played with our notions of fate

And you;
You were my guide,
My key,
To discover,
This beauty,
That is masked by fear

Now, I stand upon,
Dry, depriving shores,
And wonder,
How we could ever,
Have tread water,
For so very long...

Please..

I am currently upset and disapointed. I waited a whole hour and a half to see my love and give him back his lighter which he lost (he dropped it at my house and a friend of mine found it). I gave this lighter to him as a gift for his last birthday and had his name engraved on it. After all that waiting I got to see him for hardly 10 minutes (understandable, as it was late and he has work tomorrow morning, but still disapointing) and then as I went to kiss him goodbye he pulled away and hugged me instead. Fustrating. Annoying. Disapointing. Rejected. And he wonders why I'm insecure.

All I want is to be loved. To be shown affection and for him to show me that he wants me around and cares about me. Too much to ask? I know that he loves me, I just wish he would show it every now and then. I need him to show it every now and then.

*sigh*

Working it out.

Cant sleep. Thinking of the one I love. Spent the afternoon with him. Re-running through the important conversations of the evening, everything he said, in my mind. The future doesn't exactly look easy. But I'm certain now that it's worth it.

You see, I have this severe insecurity that runs deep within me and makes me believe that I can't be loved, by myself or others. It must be true what they say- You have to be able to love yourself before anyone else can. It's a problem I've had for a rather long time and it's contributed to me making some incredibly stupid and destructive decisions. I've hurt a lot of people in my time. I'm so afraid of rejection and being hurt by the ones I love that I end up being the one to hurt them. Sort of ironic.

Where this insecurity comes from, I have no idea. It makes me feel like I'm crazy sometimes though because it seems so rational in my own mind. But then an incident happens where I reveal how I'm feeling and then I realize how incredibly irrational I'm being.

He said I over-think things. He's right.