Follow that thought..

They tell me I'm on a journey. These people who look inside.

It must be one epic journey. Some adventure. They call it life. Fuck that. I call it fighting for existence.

I would invite you in if not for the fear of how you judge. Will you tell me how to live my life? Because it's possible I may listen...

It must look quite incredible. Unbelievable even.

But then perhaps I'm just delusional and vain? To think my existence could be any more interesting then someone elses. More interesting then yours even?

Forgive my words tonight for they have been suffering from writers block for quite some time now. I never usually post my non-sensical (yay for making up words... wait I think that is a word..?) rants here. They just get written, thought about, deleted and then forgotten.

Alot of shit is gunna happen when pigs learn how to fly. Thats for sure.

I was dancing upon clouds yesterday when I realised that I forgot my sense of direction. Have you ever forgotten which way is up and which way is down? Similiar to being dumped in the surf by a wave and frantically trying to surface for air only to paddle straight into the ground. I have a habit of that you know. Trying to find what I need and then driving myself to the exact opposite and into the ground.

Purpose. I'm trying to find one. I often keep finding that im useless though.

Well goodnight.

Oh, and Sorry.

I am

I am fighting.
I am trying.
I am living.
I am surviving.

up

I am
And
I am

Down

I am sick.
I am twisted.
I am struggling.
I am wrong.
I am weak.
I am stupid.
I am unorganised.
I am unbalanced.
I am tired.
I am exhausted.
I am delusional.
I am insecure.
I am worthless
I am hopeless
I am irrational
I am needy
I am directionless
I am hurting
I am overwhelmed
I am suffocating
I am dramatic
I am selfish
I am arrogant
I am anxious
I am depressed

I am everything I wish I wasn't

Short and Short

No poetry. No structure. No pre-planned thought process. I just need a good old-fashioned vent I guess...

Life is hectic. Touch and go. Right now I seem to be living one day at a time. Going from one feeling to the next. Feel as though I need more organisation. More structure. More routine. More exercised self-control. I need to sort my shit out.

You make my head revolve. Although the circles in my head aren't really circles. They're more circuits. The tangents are never ending and sometimes leave me feeling lost.

Ahhh I'm too tired to write anymore...

Friend of a Kind

To My messed up, cigarette smoking, paranormal activity magnetic, unappreciated, pubic hair waxing, tattooed, huggie wearing, pierced, smart arsed, dearest friend,

I guess all I can really say is- I'm so glad I have you.

To My Black Dog

I refuse to be your domain. I refuse to let you inhabit me.

You are not welcome here.

The fight between us is becoming more increasingly violent and its wearing me out. Enough. No more tearing at my composure. If you are to stay then let us atleast have these battles in private. A coffee shop is no place for a dog. The bedroom is no place for a dog. In the presence of company is no place for a dog.

I can no longer feed you for I have no reason to. Perhaps there was a time when I tried to reason with myself and to argue that you were a part of me and to justify why. But I was under your influence. Addictively enticing, you're easy to be fooled by. But no. I wont be foolish. I know that the more I feed you, the more I come to starve.

The less I eat, the more I sleep. The more I sleep the less I do. The less I do the more I welcome you into my life unknowingly.

And the cycle goes on.

Stop. No more.

It is, is it?

We are living, breathing works of art.

I had a realisation tonight that to be an artist, you must live through art. I have struggled and fought with a skill, a talent, because of the fear of failing after putting so much effort into something that should mean so much. I've always had the thought "there is no point in trying to make it big as an artist because there is so much competition and there is no way you could stand along side artists like that and compete with the best of the best, and make it." I've realised that I've missed the point completely. Untill now.

Art is the way we experience life. We should not try to capture art, but let it capture us.

It is a personal reflection. It is the essence of our souls.

Im not home now take me drunk

*NB* Half of this post was written while perhaps slightly intoxicated on Friday night while the rest I was in a state of soberness.

Seriously, im not as think as you drunk I am. But even so, this may be a perfect opportunity to get my words on. Wait a second though, I forgots my wines...

So here we stand,
Within the hollow of our hearts fires,
Within the heat of our hearts hidden desires,
And seem to find,
That the warmth is quite inviting,
An umfamiliar kind of comfort.
Exhillarating, yes,
Exciting.

We are victims of Stockholm Syndrome,
Caught in a paradoxical loop.
My fire fuels your fire.
Your soft flame feeds mine too.

It wraps around my skins conscience,
Sending capillaries to the surface,
Effortlessly,
It licks,
Along outlines,
Of my existence,
Breathless
Leaving me flushed,
In a hot kind of hindrance

Urges of burning senses,
The core of forbidden fruits.
A violent yet subtle sweetness
The taste of sinful pursuits

These burning words
Upon my tongue
They long to find,
Their way home...

An exclusive reason to smile

I feel as though I have to fight with sleep to get these words down tonight. Because it seems as though these words have been tying themselves around my soul and taking me higher then I can ever remember being lifted before. We become grounded through expression, I do believe.

At first I thought you to be the element of air. How else would you be able to make me burn like you do? Exposing my spontaneous colours of blushing reds. But I explored your essence and discovered that you are a spirit of fire, just as I am myself. And I guess it makes sense.. For I make you burn too...

Fire and Fire:

When Fire meets Fire, life can be an exuberant adventure. It's a vital match where there is mutual inspiration and encouragment. The challenge comes when fiery temperaments turn into struggles for dominance. If there is only drama, without an emotional foundation, this match can burn itself out.

From what I gather from that, we could either be great for each other or we could be a disaster.. And from that I am instantly reminded of one of my favourite quotes from the 'A Softer World' comics series-

"We are terrible for each other,
And, yes, we are a disaster.
But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane
Or a burning building.

Id rather die terrified than live forever."

Lets burn this existence to the core.

It could be oh so much fun...

Snap

And its like you've taken my remote-control, pushed all the right buttons and somehow managed to get the perfect contrast, picture, brightness, everything. Feels like im learning what colour is for the first time, all over again. Thats quite a talent you know...

All I can say is that I cant wait till next time.

Peace

I had a moment of calm tonight. As I was driving home from the movies, listening to the radio and speeding down the highway, I had a moment of peace, acceptance. A period where my mind was... I don't quite know how to explain it but it just felt, well, right. I felt so in control. It was liberating.

I just thought I'd note it down so that I can read back over this later and remember that there are times when things feel right. When I don't feel sick.

When i feel like everything is going to be alright.

Absence

Just look at this beautiful abyss.

This you shaped void hanging in my soul.

Its left me lost. Wandering in memories.

Between hope and better times.

I'd give anything to only hear your voice again.

And run my hands along your face.

Sometimes I have to remind myself,

That you are not the only reason I breath.

Otherwise...

As I was washing my face today in the bathroom, where the most natural light flows through the house, I noticed the impression of a scar upon my chest as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I traced my fingers along the outline of it as I thought about how long it had been since I'd noticed it was even there...

The scar was a memory of a fantasy land. The only physical proof I had that the memory I was so fond of was real. A memory of the days where I could connect to nature with the innocence of childhood. If the scar was not there I would most likely think the memory was a dream.

The memory was born from a camping trip with a childhood friend at a place I can only remember as 'White Rock'. The wilderness became our playground and it was only then in my life that I really began to appreciate the simple freedoms of nature. We were situated almost right next to the river and spent most of the daylight hours there. Our playground was split into three sections. The first being the decent sized waterfall that created a spa bath at its base where a round rough groove had been carved into the stone, where you would place your feet to grip against the current of the waterfall. Very relaxing. The second section was the 'jumping rock', about 100 metres downriver from the waterfall, where the water at the base of the cliff was deep enough to take the plumet of about 10 m high (from what i can remember anyway, it could have been higher) and feel yourself fly through the air. The feeling still comes back to me even now and I still long to feel the air of our wilderness playground whoosh past my body. The third section was a further treck down stream where a natural water slide had been formed. I had never seen anything like this before and it quickly became a favourite novelty of the river for me. We all know how great slides were when we were little, they never got old. Imagine a naturally occuing and FREE water slide!! These were the delights of our dangerous freedoms of childhood. So much could have went wrong, but we didnt care. Young, naive and ignorant. It's ironic that we were never hurt on these amazing adventures of ours with minimal adult supervision.

I was sitting in front of the fire one night, transfixed by the flames. (You see I connect to fire. My nature is one of fire- warmth and light but also destruction. Hence the name fleeting child of fire.) My friends parents and siblings were with us and we were enjoying the nights atmosphere. Her parents cautioned us of the fire often. It hadn't occurred to me that as the night went on I was being drawn closer and closer to the fire. Whether it was just the warmth beckoning me from the cold night air or just the spirit of the fire itself enticing me, I'm not sure but the ambers that were floating in the air looked like innocent fire flies. Until one landed upon me and melted down along the skin of my chest until i was able to flick the hot amber off. The pain of being burnt is such an intense feeling. It makes the memory all the more intense too.

Still tracing my fingers along the scar now I'm greatful for being burnt in life. Pain teaches us far much more then pleasure ever did.

With you as my witness

Making a declaration. I will be cured of my need for validation.

On a lighter note..

Ahhh the joys of being heavily intoxicated and posting drunken poetry! Would just like to say that I have minimal recollection of writing the previous post. I don't really like it, but i guess ill leave it there, just for your amusement.

I was watching this music show on the ABC the other night and discovered an artist who I've instantly fallen in love with. Her name is Melody Gardot, a jazz artist, and her voice is the most soothing thing I've ever heard. You know the sort of music that sends you into a trance? I couldn't take my eyes off her as these beautiful notes fell out of her mouth effortlessly. Art at its most eloquent.

And so a new love for Jazz has been born

<3

Within the days where we believed,

That we were content,

There was poisen,

In our fates

When times seemed easy,

ahead,

Was bleak.

We never knew,

The fate we seeked

I guess we should have known,

As nature knows,

That with seasons,

Comes the change,

of disposition.

Change of colours,

Change of time

Change of heart

The flower,

That clings.

to its' existence,

Is the flower that falls,

To the frost.

If I could have fallen,

and let go,

To the seasons,

I could have seen spring.

But winter was so long

And your memorie was so cold.

I clung to winter

for survival,

because,

I felt,

It was all that I had.

Left of you.

Dis. Jointed.

I begin to write. Stop. Delete. Start again.

I cant. Begin. To explain.

But. I Feel. I have to try. At least. For my own sanity's sake.

Few things on my mind. In particular.

Horrible accident. Yesterday. Blacksmiths. Beautiful girl my age. Killed. Wrecked ball of metal. Sirens. Road blocks. News reports. Flowers. Family. Friends. Community.I Didn't know her. Feels strange and not quite right to cry for a stranger. But that's human, right? Isn't that compassion?

Realisation. Always seeking validation. Attention. Approval. Since I was a child. Hate it. But still do it. Why? Cant. Be. Happy. With. Who. I. Am. It hurts. Other people. Have I really become. Heartless? Insecurity. Feels. Like. A sickness. Can I change? This? Has it become. Who I am? Or. Has it always been?

He says. Take responsibility. For actions. How? Thinking. May have to let him go. For both our sakes. Need to. Sort myself out. Cant love. Another. Unless. I can love. Myself.

Decision. Want to give. Back. To the system. That gave. So much to me. Going to become. Youth worker. Want to help. Others. Just. Cant. seem. to. help myself.

Time. I can feel it. Slipping through fingers. My roots. Fading away.

Sorry. Disjointed. Expression. Felt. Appropriate...

Cold and Conditions

There are some who love the cold. They thrive off it. They love the winter time for the sake of hot drinks, warm blankets, hoodies, getting rugged up and just feeling content really; all the usual stuff. Don't get me wrong I like all these things too but with the cold comes the likely chance for me to become prone to a depressed disposition.

It seems like a lifetime since I've been on a low like this. It comes as such a shock to my system because for so long I've been so used to feeling at least normal and content. Its only been about 4 months since my last low but still it feels like forever and it seems to hit harder.

Of course the cold isn't the only reason I've come to be on a low, but it just makes it so much harder to fight the depression off when it comes around. The cold seems to absorb all the energy out of me. The cold combined with a relapse of the depression makes me feel very tired most of the time and makes me loose interest in the things I enjoy. It makes me miserable to step out from a warm bed into the cold air of the day. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do I guess.

I know attitude is the key but there are some periods when controlling your attitude becomes a chore and you seem to get less and less out of doing it. I'm a little worn down. The truth is, I couldn't even begin to tell you why I'm on such a low. Its fustrating when people ask you what's wrong when you cant even begin to explain it to yourself.

It feels like I'm starving.

For answers,
For purpose,
For truth.

Landscapes of Love

We stood,
Waist deep,
Within the Waters of love

We watched,
The colours of the evening,
As the sun,
Seeped into the underworld

And,
All the beauty of the sky,
Bled,
Into our souls

A reflection of the stars
And city lights
Danced across the water
And played with our notions of fate

And you;
You were my guide,
My key,
To discover,
This beauty,
That is masked by fear

Now, I stand upon,
Dry, depriving shores,
And wonder,
How we could ever,
Have tread water,
For so very long...

Please..

I am currently upset and disapointed. I waited a whole hour and a half to see my love and give him back his lighter which he lost (he dropped it at my house and a friend of mine found it). I gave this lighter to him as a gift for his last birthday and had his name engraved on it. After all that waiting I got to see him for hardly 10 minutes (understandable, as it was late and he has work tomorrow morning, but still disapointing) and then as I went to kiss him goodbye he pulled away and hugged me instead. Fustrating. Annoying. Disapointing. Rejected. And he wonders why I'm insecure.

All I want is to be loved. To be shown affection and for him to show me that he wants me around and cares about me. Too much to ask? I know that he loves me, I just wish he would show it every now and then. I need him to show it every now and then.

*sigh*

Working it out.

Cant sleep. Thinking of the one I love. Spent the afternoon with him. Re-running through the important conversations of the evening, everything he said, in my mind. The future doesn't exactly look easy. But I'm certain now that it's worth it.

You see, I have this severe insecurity that runs deep within me and makes me believe that I can't be loved, by myself or others. It must be true what they say- You have to be able to love yourself before anyone else can. It's a problem I've had for a rather long time and it's contributed to me making some incredibly stupid and destructive decisions. I've hurt a lot of people in my time. I'm so afraid of rejection and being hurt by the ones I love that I end up being the one to hurt them. Sort of ironic.

Where this insecurity comes from, I have no idea. It makes me feel like I'm crazy sometimes though because it seems so rational in my own mind. But then an incident happens where I reveal how I'm feeling and then I realize how incredibly irrational I'm being.

He said I over-think things. He's right.

When you're mad...

"Anyone can become angry- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way- this is not easy."

ARISTOTLE, The Nicomacbean Ethics

I read in a psychology book titled 'Emotional Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman that anger always builds on anger. The longer we ruminate about what has made us angry, the more 'good reasons' and self justifications we can invent for being angry... Anger is a seductive emotion. Unlike sadness, anger is energizing, sometimes even exhilarating. So I've decided it may be a good idea to express myself by saying- I am angry, but instead, try not to bitch, rant and moan over what has made me angry. Instead I will write to calm myself down.

So I had my job interview today. It went quite well apart from when I started having a coughing fit towards the end of the interview. But I guess that's just a minor set back. I don't know if i got the job yet (I'll hear from them about it tomorrow) but I'm pretty confident with my effort. There has been something playing on my mind however in relation to the job. I only just recently started working at Rafferties Resort and although I've only had one shift, I really enjoy working there. I havnt spoken to Richard (my boss who is lovely) yet about this job and what happens if I get it.. I'm worried about his reaction, I don't want him to think that I'm not loyal. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. This new job can be very emotionally demanding and requires me to be able to work night shifts. I wonder if I'd be able to keep both jobs and work at Rafferties during the day... The lady at the interview said that generally not many people are able to juggle two jobs whilst working with this company... I think I'll sleep on it for now. If i get any sleep tonight that is.

Day 4 of my coughing fits and it seems to have only slightly improved. I went to the doctors today just to make sure it wasn't pneumonia or anything like that. the doctor said he's pretty certain its just a virus but had me tested for hooping cough just to be sure. I should have abs of steel by the time I'm finished with this darn thing. My stomach muscles ache. But as my father always says- Ah well, such is life.

I look forward everyday to seeing the new photos that my former school teacher, now newly emerging photographer, Naomi Frost, has edited and posted on Facebook. You see, after I shaved my hair for Shave For a Cure I asked Naomi how much it would cost for a portrait to document my lack of hair and to have a good display picture for my profile for the Leukemia foundation . She was very generous and said she would do a whole photo shoot with me for free for my cause. I was stoked! We had such a fun time getting creative with the camera and I'm so impressed with the works of art she has created! She is an amazing photographer and digital artist! Now, thanks to her, I feel brave, bald and beautiful.

Prospects..

Welcome back again to the window of my fleeting spirit,

It was another sleepless struggle last night as I was kept up with my hideous dry cough again right through to the early hours of the morning. Although I must say after much bed rest today and lots of fluids and good food, I'm feeling significantly better. Hopefully I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep tonight though because tomorrow is going to be a very important day!

I got a call this afternoon from A certain Youth Services company on my way home from the pharmacy.

You see, this morning, around 2am when I couldn't sleep, I decided to whip out my laptop and finally get around to putting my application in over the net for this youth services job. I've been interested in working with this company as a residential carer for quite some time now and have been patiently waiting to turn 18 so I could apply. Turns out I have an interview at 11am tomorrow morning. I'm so excited! I've been talking about doing this for so long and now its finally happening!

Everything in my life just seems to be falling into place... I mean... I guess it's true what my friend Laura says- the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way from there is up. It was around September last year that I went into a bit of a downward spiral in life. Well a bit is sort of understated. Fortunate enough though, I had a lot of great friends and family around me that were very supportive and were able to help me get back on my feet. Since then I've gotten through my HSC, graduated from High School, was accepted into Uni for languages, got my license and bought a car, started an awesome TAFE course in out door recreation, had a grant passed for my scuba diving course, finally made it to 18, got a new job at Rafferties resort, become a lot more fit and healthy, done shave for a cure, become a bone marrow donor and now I've got an interview for the job I really want! The interesting thing about all of this though is that I wrote all of these things down as goals. I wanted these things to happen... Its like I willed all of these great things into my life. I mean I know that a lot of these things are normal mile stones in a teenagers life but from where I was in September, it makes me really happy to see how far I've come. It gives me hope for the future and its a reminder that failing isn't falling down, its staying down...

Welcome.

Welcome to the first ever post for my blog. I hope you enjoy your stay.

I've been meaning to create a blog for so long now but I guess I'm just lazy as well as the fact that I have commitment issues. Yes that's right- I even have problems with committing to a blog. Its pathetic. But we'll talk about that another time.

Tamara Campbell was originally the one who inspired me to write a blog as I have followed her blog for quite some time now and have just really enjoyed reading it. If you've read her blog before you would agree that she has such a great style of writing. I always wonder to myself how fluid her style is or whether she has to sit down for quite some while to capture the thought. But either way she seems to be able to make the most simple things interesting in writing.

Currently at this moment I am laying in bed wrapped up trying to keep warm with a hideous dry cough that's making my stomach heave. I am currently MEANT to be at Blacksmiths Beach today surfing with my TAFE course. But no. I am sick. Pain. In. The. Arse.

But as my father always says- Ah well, Such is life.

I'm thinking that I may have gotten sick because my body is still trying to adjust to my lack of hair in the cold. I recently did shave for a cure and I must say, hair has so much more use then just looking pretty! The most obvious use would be keeping your head warm for instance. Having a lack of hair (I only went to a number 2 with the clippers) has opened my eyes so much and given me some really different experiences though. For instance I will tell you the story of how I met the man named Brian.

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason you know. Even if sometimes you cant see or understand the reason, the energy of the universe has its own motives and it can bring you to the most peculiar situations every now and again. Which brings me to how I met Brian. I will not tell you who Brian is or why he is significant straight up as it will ruin the story.

It was about week before my 18th birthday party that I went searching for a costume to wear. I had turned 18 the day before and my dad wanted to take me out for lunch in town to celebrate. It was a lovely day so i decided that I would go into town early, park my car at Nobbys beach car park and walk through the park and along Hunter street keeping an eye out for a jungle Jane outfit for my jungle themed party. Plus I was stingy and didn't want to pay for parking.

I found an outfit to put together before I had to meet dad but I was undecided as to whether I should buy this leopard print top hat I found from this grovey little retro shop along Hunter street. After all, it was going to be cold without any hair, but where would I wear a leopard print top hat again? So being undecided, I went to lunch with dad and thought of the possibility of going back to the store afterward to make up my mind. I told Dad about the top hat and he said i should at least go back and look at it again.

So it was after Dad and I had said our goodbyes and he left that I went walking along Hunter street once more. I don't know if you know Newcastle very well, but if you are familiar with Hunter street then you will know it's a veeeery long street. Lots of shops. Lots of culture. A lot of life. I had walked up and down Hunter street three times! Just trying to find this shop again. It was like something out of Harry Potter; as if the shop had just disappeared. With very sore feet and a frustrated attitude I was just about to give up when the Universe threw me a curve ball.

As I was walking past more and more shops a quote on the window of a building happened to catch my eye. I love a good quote you see. I cant quite remember what this quote said but it was the reason why I became interested in the place. It was the most peculiar looking shop I had ever seen. As i peered through the window I spotted a whole wall full of VW collectibles, A full drum set and other various instruments upon the floor and a show case full of other bits and pieces. I was entranced with curiosity and hadn't the slightest clue why. I went to the door of the building and was confused to find steel bars in the doorway. As I looked through the steel bars I noticed a humble old man sitting at his desk peering at me. I was soon discover that this mans name was Brian.

"Can I help you my dear?" he asked with a curious expression upon his face.
"Yeah.." I replied, "What kind of a shop is this?"
Brians face lit up as he began to smile and he chuckled "Well... It's actually a residence."

I was so embarrassed!! I apologized profusely but all Brian could do was laugh.

'What made you think it was a shop dear?" asked Brian kindly.
I explained to him that it was the VW collectables on the wall that made me think it was perhaps an antique store. Brian politely explained in return that he and the man he was staying with were obsessed with VW cars. Brian explained that he was from Adelaide and was in Newcastle for the Steam Train festival. From here the conversation turned to me discussing how my sister has a VW bug and how she rode it off but was repairing it again.

"So is it fixed now?" Asked Brian.
"No, there's only one thing she needs to do now. See the fuel tank has rusted out from the bottom so she needs to find another one in good condition."
Brian asked me to wait where I was at the door and he returned with photos. He opened the door of bars and handed me the photos of a VW bug that he was doing up and another VW that he was using for spare parts.

"It just so happens I have a spare fuel tank in good condition that I have no use for if you would like to take it off my hands?"

I was shocked. The universe had lead me to a completely random place to meet a complete stranger that had something that someone I knew and cared for needed. But that wasn't the end of it.

As Brian went to write down his number so that my sister could call him to discuss the fuel tank and when to pick it up, i noticed a collection tin with the leukemia foundation shave for a cure picture on it, sitting on the desk next to me. I instantly got excited and asked who was doing shave for a cure. Brian explained that he and the man he was staying with did it last year and raised a bit of money. After being told this I began to tell him all about my party and how i was doing the same thing in a weeks time. Brian then revealed to me that he actually had leukemia which made me realize that this was the reason Brian looked sick and smelled strongly of disinfectant. It made sense.

I learnt so much about the sickness of leukemia from Brian first hand that day. By the time I had to leave I had spent three hours talking to this wonderful old man I had just met by complete coincidence. And it just so happened that I saw him again in two weeks time at the shave for a cure after party (which was nice because it meant I had someone I knew to talk to) and then again when my sister went to pick up the free fuel tank he gave her.

And so this experience has lead me to believe that when we become interested in a cause or subject, the universe will sometimes move fate all over the joint just to bring commonalities together.

Its amazing...